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I am seriously considering having some work done.

When I say this, I mean that I am toying with the idea of plastic surgery. I don’t mean a nose job or a nip and tuck either, I’m thinking of industrial strength surgery, a total head job (so to speak).

Some of you may be scratching you head and wondering why. Well allow me to try and explain…

I am sick of people casting judgement on me for how I look. You would not believe the looks I find myself on the receiving end of. If looks could kill, I would have found myself not only dead, but having endured months in a Syrian torture dungeon on the way….

Now I’m not trying to look younger, suaver, sexier, or anything like that… in fact, quite the opposite.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t pretend to be some sort of super stud sex symbol or anything… but clearly I need some heavy duty belting with an ugly stick, as the looks I get are quite feral.

The problem actually lies with my wife…

You see, my wife has severe rheumatoid arthritis, which means she has a disability, and therefore has a disabled parking permit. You can’t see that she has this condition, but she can have severe issues if she is on her feet too long, or has to walk to far, she has had this since she was 19.

My problem lies in that when I park the car, and if she is with me I use her permit, I apparently don’t look disabled enough… I have had so many Julie Bishop style death stares it’s not funny, I am often abused, and I constantly get the shaking of the head and muttering incoherent words treatment.

Some of this may be due to my car, which is a sports car. However I was unaware that those with disabilities were restricted to the type of car they are allowed to ride in. Maybe I should just buy a Hi-Ace Minibus and be done with it…

Anyhow, this is clearly about my chest, shoulders and head, as that is all anybody can see over the dashboard. Below the dashboard I could be an amputee for all people know, but that does not stop the looks and visible scorn.

So if being disabled in the car park is all about my head, then I guess surgery is the only answer to appease people. I was thinking something along the lines of the “Total Recall” or Elephant Man look. Maybe I can have another head attached to my left shoulder or something. It will be quite uncomfortable, but at least then I can park my car without people laying a guilt trip on me….

I thought it was only wankers like Tony Abbott and Christopher Pyne that thought they knew more than medical experts, and could feel safe ignoring doctors certificates, and doctors references. Alas I was wrong.

You see, in order to get a disabled parking permit, you need a reference from a medical practitioner. However, it would seem, many members of the public would have a better idea of what a disability is than a mere medical expert, and therefore feel it is their moral duty to abuse, give dirty looks to, and cast judgement on those that park in disabled car spaces.

I’d also like to point out another apparently little known fact. The permit labels are not a permanent fixture on the car, you don’t buy a car with one embedded in the windscreen…

Most people don’t leave them permanently attached to their windscreen, and put them on display once they have parked their car. There are a couple of reasons for this which I will endeavour to explain.

For starters, these permits, and the cover you have to use with them, are rather large, and stick on to the windscreen with a suction cup. The suction cap is crap, no other way of saying it… it works for about 2 weeks and then it sticks for periods of no longer than 2 minutes at a time. When it sticks, it blocks your vision which is distracting, and when it doesn’t stick who wants to be picking it up off the floor of their car every five minutes when they are trying to drive? Therefore, people put it in the glovebox or a handbag or something….

The other thing is, you only get one permit. This means, if you are someone who uses more than one car, then you need to carry it with you. As is the case with me, if my wife is in my car with me, then she brings the permit with her, as it is valid for her as a passenger.

Both of these are reasons why a permit might not be on display as a car is being parked. With this in mind, please give people the courtesy of a couple of minutes to get it on display before heaping your scorn upon them. Better still, wait until they have actually left the vehicle, then if they haven’t put a permit up, I don’t care if you crash tackle them…

I know this won’t make any difference, but I hope I can make a couple of people think twice before being an unintentional dickhead.

At least I feel better for venting.

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