This Christmas I predict, that Tony Abbott will be the Xmas turkey. Stuffed, carved up, and laid out for a hungry media pack to feast upon.

Tony Abbott cannot run a chook-raffle. That much has become apparent.

Back when we had a functioning government (it seems so long ago now) as Opposition Leader we were on the receiving end of a News Ltd sponsored barrage of bollocks about how dysfunctional the Labor Party were.

If Labor were supposed to be dysfunctional the amount of legislation passed seems to suggest otherwise. Given that the role of government is to pass legislation the statistics would suggest that Julia Gillard headed one of the most functional governments in Australia’s history, if not the most.

When is comes to legislation there is nothing more comical than hearing Abbott and Joe Hockey talking about tax cuts in next years budget when they are still trying to pass parts of this years budget through parliament, and even more ridiculous, the budget from year before also.

So how dysfunctional have things become?

Abbott’s caucus have taken leaking to a whole new level with caucus proving to have more leads than a fresh mud hut in a hail storm.

When things are at crisis point Abbott has two switches with glass casing marked “In case of emergency break glass” in his office. Behind these glass windows are a switch, one marked “National Security”, and the other marked “Bring out the wife”.

The one marked “Bring out the gimp” is rumoured to be in George Brandis’s office.

Abbott has flicked both of these switches recently and each time it has seen him blow a fuse and knock out the circuit board.

Margie Abbott was wheeled out before the camera’s last week to promote opp-shops, or charity shops. Let’s face it the longer we have this government in power the more likely it is we will all be shopping in one.

As Margie waltzed through the opp-shop telling tales of when she was younger, my mind went back to the days of Abbott’s family making appearances in designer clothing, apparently paid coat-hanger’s for whichever boutique had the most money to waste, needless to say they were not opp-shops.

Still, despite Margie not really creating the desired distraction for Abbott, she tried to do so gracefully, and apparently her scarf came from an opp-shop. Wow.

By flicking the “National Security” Abbott initiated what could best be described as “Operation Clusterfuck”.

Despite attempting to distance himself from the poo pie that the government was forced to swallow hole, Abbott’s government last week unleashed the newly branded Team Australia, now known as Border Force.

Border Force were there to stop people at random in the streets of Melbourne’s CBD according to their media release. Alas for the good people of Melbourne it was all a little too SS-like and within an hour or two, thousands had arrived in the city centre to protest the city becoming like the military zone of a regime.

After the sudden public backlash the Coalition showed that it does support abortion under some circumstances by rapidly aborting Operation Fortitude, Border Force’s first operation. The entire operation was aborted within a few hours of its scheduled commencement. Common sense restored, press conference cancelled, Border Force troops removed, and poo pie served up steaming to Team Tony. Some might add that given the decision to abort was made by a man, it was therefore OK with Team Abbott.

The other big National Security card played by Team Abbott is the ISIS bombing mission’s in Syria.

The US military is not equipped to carry out bombing missions in Syria alone apparently. They lack the manpower, the firepower, and the moral-fortitude required to take on ISIS in Syria.

Luckily there is a man with that strength of character and the firepower to back it up. His name is Tony Abbott and luckily for the US he was there to be called upon to help save the world from the evil Islamic Invaders.

While the rest of the world thanked their respective gods for Team Australia agreeing to come to the rescue, Abbott’s team were there to revel in the glory of the US asking Australia to help.

Unfortunately for the Coalition, as part of what one imbecile resembling a cabbage referred to as “Jihad against Tony Abbott”, Fairfax had gone in search of the truth.

As it turned out much like the mother of a bullied child begging parents for their child to be invited to parties, Abbott went begging to the US Administration to be invited to the “Bomb a third world country” party. That’s the party where Julie Bishop says we don’t know where to drop food parcels, but we can accurately drop bombs. 

However, although I make light of it, using our armed forces as cannon fodder for a political fight is obscene and unpatriotic in the extreme. I fact I can’t think of anything worse a politician could do as it shows such a high level of callous disregard for his citizens, and shows he views the military as his own personal plaything..

To assume that lives of service men and women can be sacrificed in the bid to for a short-term political gain is offensive in the extreme.

However for Tony Abbott I guess “Shit Happens”.

Given the current dysfunction and disarray within the government, one thing is clear, shit needs to happen with the Coalition leadership.

If there is not a leadership spill motion by Xmas, I’m sure I won’t be the only one surprised.

So, as for the political featherweight contenders

If Malcolm Turnbull thinks that doing interviews without a tie is enough to win him public support he can add that to his growing pile of mistakes and blunders, like the infamous utegate scandal.

If Scott Morrison thinks his time as trying to play Mr Nice Guy from Hillsong is going to make us all forget his time as Commander Of The Fourth Reich while Immigration Minister then he is sorely mistaken.

If Julie Bishop thinks a Women’s Weekly makeover and a new wardrobe is going to mean that her being elected Miss Asbestos for all those years running is going to go away in a cloud of blue death dust then she is delusional.

And if Joe Hockey thinks…

Well thinking would be a good start Joe.

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